I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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