I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The beer is more important than you right now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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