I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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