I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
