I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
