the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
