If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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