you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
