Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
