she woke up with a sticky ear
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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