The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
