dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
