He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
