im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
