Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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