yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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