Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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