Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
