It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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