i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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