You don't have asthma, your pregnant
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
