that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
