I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
