I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
