I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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