youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
