she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
