Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize