sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
