There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
