You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
