I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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