I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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