I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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