I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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