She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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