I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
