Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
