I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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