I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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