This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
