I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
