It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dear god my vagina.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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