Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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