at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
