i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
