According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
