Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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