Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
