I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
