I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
