You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
