Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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