Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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