the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
