I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
